Living on - The lonely years
by SundayDutchess
Summary: Merlin has a hard time living on after Arthur is taken away from him. After years and years, Arthur returns, to find that the world has changed and so has Merlin. Merlin leads quite a different life from the medieval times Arthur is used to.
1. Chapter 1

Living on, Merlin.

Merlin had waited faithfully by the lake for hundreds of years. Not literally, of course. First, he had returned to Camelot. Gwen needed him to tell her the story of how her husband.. Well. And Gaius, Gaius needed him to do something… Like picking herbs or something not life-changing. And the knights… They had been like brothers, more than that, for Arthur. Arthur.

Well, he had returned to Camelot and served queen Guinevere for a few years. He had become her most trusted advisor and her best friend. She often asked him to tell her the story of how Arthur battled and then suffered the consequences of having a good heart and acting on what he thought was right. Sometimes they laughed together, sometimes they cried together. Camelot wasn't the same without Arthur.

Gwen was a kind, righteous queen. She was just brilliant. Together with him, she picked out the sorcerers and made sure they kept their secret, and if they made a mistake, Merlin would fix it. Magic seemed to disappear overnight, for the ones who couldn't spot it.

As time passed, the aches in everyone's heart seemed to lessen, but not for Merlin. At night, he was haunted by nightmares about Mordred piercing Arthur's armour. He'd wake up screaming, soaked in sweat, crying, and Gaius would be there already, placing a soothing hand on his chest.

They lived in peace and prosper, until one morning, when Merlin woke, he felt depressed, sad, and down. He hadn't had nightmares that night, for the first time since Arthur… passed. He had swung his legs off his bed and dressed to start the day. He pushed his door open and felt the weight of the world pressing down on him. Something was wrong, very, very wrong. He practically ran to Gaius until he realized what it was. Gaius wasn't breathing.

Merlin had screamed for help and chanted all the spells he knew, but it didn't work. Gaius was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. The guards had heard him and came to his aid, none of them mentioning a thing about Merlin's chanting. Leon and Gwaine came soon after, and Gwen came just as Merlin ran out of spells. Calm and collected as she was, she had put a hand on his shoulder and he let the tears stream down his face. Gwaine sat by his side and Merlin let all his defences down and cried into Gwaine's shoulder. Leon had collected a few guards and they carried Gaius' body down to the hospital wing. A nurse quietly tended to the body and the very same afternoon, they gave him a proper grave, down with the deceased kings and queens. Like royalty. It seemed only right.

Merlin had retired to his chambers for rest of the night. They didn't see him for four days, although they left food for him in front of the door, not bothering him. Merlin had taken his time to sort through Gaius' things. Books, potions, personal items, and lastly, Merlin found a letter, dedicated to him.

'_My dear boy,_

_Now that you are going through my things, I suspect I am gone. I do hope I died peacefully, as battle is not my cup of tea. I have been waiting for this time to come for a long time. Now that I am gone, that probably means that you are all alone, or at least feel like you are. It is time that you go out there and do the things you are destined to do. Live your life, and I hope that it'll do for you what it has done for me. _

_You don't have to worry about my personal belongings, my family and friends are all long gone, so I trust you to take care of it for me. _

_I don't want to waste any more words or time, so this is it. Just know that I loved you with all my heart. You were like a son to me and you have never disappointed me in any way. Thank you for lighting up the last years of my life._

_Gaius.'_

After Merlin had read it twenty times and had stained it with tears, he had tucked it in his pocket and went on through Gaius' things. He stacked the books in neat piles, sorting it on subject. It had taken him days, but at last, he was done. He had found a little chest on the top shelf of a closet, and he opened it cautiously. He hadn't seen it before in his life. It was mahogany with gold decorations and a silver lock, but the key was still stuck in it, so he clicked it open. The lid revealed a small amount of gold, which could support him for years. He closed it again and placed it on the bottom of his backpack.

He rounded up a few guards and asked them to take the books to the library. The books on magic, however, he gave to Gwen. She promised him to take them somewhere safe, somewhere no one could find them but the people who looked for them. Merlin took the potions to the nurses and gave whatever wasn't of much emotional value to a few friends who could do with the extra stuff like clothes. When he was done, he returned to the nearly empty chamber. He felt tears prickling in his eyes, but wiped them away furiously. He grabbed his bag, stuffed everything he owned, which wasn't much, in his bag along with the small chest which still sat on the bottom. He swung the bag on his back and made his way to Gwen's chambers.

Merlin knocked on Gwen's door, soft at first, then a little more urgent. Gwen invited him in quickly. She eyed the backpack suspiciously.

"Er, as you might have guessed, I'm leaving." He started awkwardly. For a moment, Gwen let her guard down. Merlin saw flashes of hurt and confusion. Then it was followed by understanding. She sighed, squared her shoulder, and nodded curtly. Her hands folded neatly in front of her, like a queen.

"I know. Of course. I knew this time would come, just.. not now. But I understand. Just know that you will always be welcome here. Do you want me to send Gwaine and Leon with you to lake Avalon?"

Merlin hadn't said a word to her about going to the lake, but of course, it was obvious that that was where he was going. He doubted for a moment. He wanted to be alone, but the journey wasn't one without risks and, although it wasn't an extremely long one, it was lonely and full of memories.

"Yeah, yeah I would. Thank you, Gwen. For everything." He pulled her in a hug, then he left.

After that, he went straight to his horse. He brushed his faithful mare quickly and saddled her. He strapped his bag to the saddle and led her out of the stables. When he reached the square in the citadel, he was greeted by all the knights in their armour, Gwaine and Leon both on horses. Gwen was there, too. A few fellow servants had gathered as well.

Gwen stood statuesquely on the steps with the servants as equals. The knights stood in a row next to Gwaine and Leon in front of the steps. As if on cue, they all bowed down deeply to Merlin, as a last salute. Merlin nodded to them, then he turned to Gwaine and Leon. They mounted their horses and rode on either side of Merlin. When they rode through the gate, he turned around and waved one last time. Then they started their journey to Avalon.


	2. Chapter 2

Gwaine muttered something, eliciting a soft, hearty chuckle from Leon. Merlin didn't hear them, and quite frankly, wasn't interested. He stared straight ahead and patted the neck of his horse. He wasn't quite sure what he was going to do next. He would be at the lake, because it was the place where Arthur was most likely to 'rise again'. What if he wasn't there when Arthur would come back and Arthur would leave and Merlin would never see him again. He was being paranoid, he knew that, but there was no way that he was taking chances.

The dull ache in his chest grew a little more vicious every time Merlin thought of Arthur, so he pushed the thought away. Gwaine and Leon rode a few metres behind Merlin. It was quite different to lead for once, but it wasn't something Merlin dwelled on. Suddenly Gwaine caught up with him on his right side.

"So. Merlin. Any plans for our arrival yet?" Gwaine started lightly. Merlin tried his best to smile at his effort, but it was weak and unconvincing. He shook his head.

"Well, it's a good thing our good Leon here has packed a tent, huh? Oi! Leon! How many tents did you pack?" Gwaine shouted over his shoulder.

"One. But it's a big one."

"For how many persons?"

"Four."

"Brilliant. That should fit us all just fine." Gwaine winked at Merlin. Merlin opened his mouth to protest, but shut it again as words wouldn't form.

"That's okay buddy. You didn't think we'd leave you all alone here, especially the first night? _Someone_ has to protect the weaker ones." Gwaine flashed him a cocky smile Merlin knew was entirely fake, so he mustered the energy to laugh. It wasn't much, but it was something. It seemed to satisfy Gwaine enough to make small talk. He talked to Merlin about the weather, about a girl he had seen in the streets and was intending to court her, or at least 'accidentally' meet her in the tavern and make her fall in love with his chivalry. Merlin actually did, genuinely, laugh at that one.

Their quiet ride was suddenly disturbed by loud shouts and the screams of a woman. Gwaine visibly slipped into his 'knight'-self, straightening his shoulders and looking serious. He nudged his horse quickly in the direction of the sounds.

They strayed a little off the path, until they found five thugs pestering a girl. Two were occupied keeping her arms from flailing wildly, while two others had a hard time controlling the kicking legs. The fifth was busy undoing her dress, wearing a wicked grin on his face. The girl spotted the three men between the trees looked at them wide-eyed. Then something changed in her as she noticed the armour and dragon that represented Camelot. She begged for help, concentrating on them entirely, successfully giving them away. Her face was glowing red on one side where she had obviously been hit. Tears streamed down her face helplessly.

Two of the thugs held her while the others drew their weapons and approached them cautiously. Gwaine and Leon dismounted quickly and drew their swords as well.

Merlin sighed, then he focussed on targeting all five thugs in one glance. He stretched his hand in their direction and centred himself.

"_Wáce ierlic!"_ Merlin's eyes glinted orange for a moment, then the thugs flew through the air just as the knights lashed out with their swords. The knights stared at the recovering bodies, unable to move. They turned to Merlin, finding the evidence they were looking for. They knew Merlin had magic, but to actually see him using it…

Merlin didn't waste any time, but he focussed on the crying, terrified girl, and cast another spell. The girl sagged and fell asleep on the ground.

"She won't remember a thing. Come on, she'll wake in ten minutes and we'll want to be gone before then. The thugs won't wake until four hours or something." He leaned forward and rubbed his hand between his mare's ears. The knights did as they were told and they went on before the girl woke.

They rode for a few minutes in silence, letting the events of just now sink in. Merlin let it sink in that some men were actually that brutal. Beasts. Pigs. He was angry, but he didn't show it. He would never do that. Not to anyone. Never once. Never ever ever. Gwaine and Leon had seen it more often. They had a hard time adjusting to Merlin.

Gwaine was the first to break the silence.

"That… was impressive, Merlin."

Merlin allowed himself to smile at the comment. He hadn't expected that. He knew Gwaine was always easily adjusted to new situations, but magic was something strictly forbidden. There hadn't been any executions of sorcerers in Camelot for the past few years, but still. Then Leon spoke up.

"Have you done that before?"

"Yeah, more than once, actually. You don't even know how many times I saved your lives." He meant it to sound like a light-hearted joke, but it didn't work quite that way. He regretted it immediately. "Sorry, didn't mean to… Well, I have done it a lot, not quite so obvious, but spontaneously breaking branches crashing down on your enemies… I'm surprised you hadn't caught me sooner."

"It could've been the gods." Leon defended himself half-heartedly. Merlin scoffed.

"I'm not saying that the gods don't exist, and I don't want to mess with your fate, but if you and all the other knights had relied on them to save your arses every time, you would've been dead the first day you arrived in Camelot." Just like me, he thought.

"Oh, alright. Well, I suppose, thank you. For every time you've saved our sorry arses." Leon chuckled. It did seem to cheer them all up.

"You're very welcome." Merlin smiled over his shoulder at him.

"I really, really hate asking this, Merlin, but I've been wondering for a long time, and I don't think there is a good time to ask you this, but this isn't necessarily a bad time, so please forgive-"

"Just ask me, Gwaine." Merlin interrupted him.

"Was it magic that… you know, killed Arthur." Gwaine asked cautiously. Merlin stilled. He recalled the events of _that _day. Mordred, Morgana, losing his magic, Camlann, Dragoon's appearance, thinking he was too late when he pulled Arthur from the battlefield, the dragon, his magic confession, and just not being in time to…

"Sort of. It was Mordred, but he was a sorcerer, too. He had a sword that was forged in a dragon's breath, and they sliced each other almost simultaneously. Mordred didn't survive, but I could've saved Arthur. If only… I was just… I couldn't…" He felt the tears well up and before he could do anything, they streamed all over his face. He felt Gwaine's hand on his shoulder.

"Do you want to stop? Or go back?" Gwaine tried. Merlin pulled his trademark neckerchief from his neck and used it to wipe his nose and his eyes.

"No. I have to do this." He said resolutely. Gwaine nodded and nodded to Leon as well.

"Well then, leader. Show us the way. Is it far from here?" Gwaine joked. Merlin shot him an apologetic smile.

"Race you." He kicked his horse's flank and galloped ahead. He heard Gwaine cursing behind him and galloped ahead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: **

So, this is my first Merlin fanfic, and my first fanfic actually uploaded here, so please forgive me for any errors, and I hope you enjoy it :)

Also, perhaps I should mention I forgot Gwaine can't have been there, I think I deleted the traumatic parts of Diamond of the Day...

Merlin shouted something as the wind howled in his ears. He felt it caressing his hair in the excitement, and he felt his horse's mane slapping his face softly. He nudged her flanks to go even faster, and faster, over the narrow path. He heard Gwaine shouting behind him but he didn't listen. Just this once, Merlin let himself go. And fast.

He turned sharply around a corner and squeezed his eyes shut quickly as a log crossed their path unexpectedly. He braced himself for the fall, but instead he felt the sheer power of muscle of his horse push them off the ground and enable them to soar for a fleeting moment that seemed to last forever. Too soon, they went down again and the horse planted her feet firmly into the ground before she pushed off again with the seeming speed of light. Merlin turned around quickly and swiped his hand, moving the log off the path. Even though he was giving them an advantage he didn't have, he'd never wish for them to fall, or get hurt in the slightest way. He turned forward again and screamed in the wind. He looked up and saw the patches of the blue sky between the roof of leaves of the forest enveloping them. His horse threw up her head when they crossed a little stream and the splashes stained his trousers, but he couldn't bring himself to care. When the path grew a little wider, and he knew they neared the lake of Avalon, he reluctantly brought his horse to a halt. He sat back in the saddle and took a few moments to catch his breath. He heard and felt the thumping of the other horse's hooves in the ground and estimated them about two minutes behind. He patted his horse's neck and whispered soft words to her. She was soaked in sweat and out of breath. He didn't blame her. She was his horse and he hadn't wanted anyone to ride her, mainly because she had been a present of Arthur. Arthur had thought that he needed a decent horse as Merlin wouldn't let Arthur go off on missions and quests without him, so in order to keep up with them, Arthur had donated one of his best horses to Merlin.

_"Her name is Wendy, she's strong and a bit rogue. She may need a bit of work, but when push comes to shove, she's reliable and will not let you down, that has been clear from the very beginning. I haven't done anything with her but haltering her, so that's what you can do with your spare time. She's young, but she knows what to do if you ask her nicely. Wendy does have quite a personality, but so do you. I trust you will take good care of her, for as far is that is possible. That means better care of her than what you do to me." Arthur instructed him. It would've sounded condescending to the untrained ear, but what Merlin heard was that Arthur loved that horse and wanted Merlin to take care of her. It did mean quite a lot, that Arthur trusted him with her. _

_Merlin had seen Arthur lead and brush her more than once. She had all the grace one could ask for. Arthur seemed to soften every time he saw her, and when Arthur led her, his entire demeanor changed. But she wasn't bold and thus not a good horse for battle, which was probably most important for Arthur. _

_As it turned out, Wendy was indeed quite rogue, Merlin had spent weeks trying to ride her. Sir Elyan had taken pity on him and told him to listen. Horses did speak, not our language, but they spoke nonetheless. Merlin had been a little mystified by this, but then he opened his mind. Indeed, the horse spoke. Merlin studied her in the pasture without attempting anything to ride her. Apparently she was a very gentle horse, and very cautious. She was distrustful of the saddle and bridle and needed to be handled with care. Merlin had put her in the round pen, taken off her halter and sat down on the ground. Wendy had eyed him suspiciously, then she took a few careful steps in his direction. He closed his eyes and relaxed, letting his shoulders sag and letting his head hang. He felt the hot, heavy breath of Wendy ruffling his hair and chuckled lightly. That spooked her and she stormed off. With nowhere to go in the round pen, she galloped three times around the pen, until she noticed that Merlin wasn't chasing her. She stopped and walked another lap around him, never leaving him out of her sight. She stepped towards him and sniffed him cautiously. Merlin chuckled again as the soft breath tickled the little hairs on the back of his neck, but this time, Wendy only threw her head up, but didn't move. She realized it didn't hurt her, and tried again. Merlin started whispering soft words to her, then he added a bit more bass and finally, he spoke out loud. It didn't startle her and she just went on sniffing him out. He raised one hand and she stiffened. He placed in gently on her neck, soft but firmly in place. The skin beneath his hand shook violently as if to scare away a flea. Merlin stood his ground and kept his hand there. Wendy seemed to relax eventually under his touch and she lowered her head submissively. Merlin moved his hand, stroking her. He went everywhere he could reach, all of her neck, in her manes, over her ears, eyes, nose, mouth, the other side of her neck, everywhere. Eventually, he ran out of untouched skin. He slowly pushed himself off the ground and sat on his knees, rubbing his hand over her legs and belly. Every time he touched a new patch of skin, she seemed to stiffen so he rubbed along until she relaxed. He took his time and didn't rush anything. He kept on whispering kind words, soothing her. He stood up completely and patted her back, too. When he had rubbed everything, he determined that that was enough for today and that they would continue the day after. He patted her neck one last time and turned around to leave. As he stepped away from her, she turned with him and pressed her nose against his arm. Curiously, Merlin took another step and yes, Wendy took another step with him. He walked around the perimeter of the pen and she followed him every step of the way. She kept her head low, her ear turned forward, and she chewed food Merlin knew wasn't there. Everything indicated submissiveness. He smiled and knew in that moment that time and trust were everything she needed._

_He eyed the bridle and the saddle which hung on a peg just outside the pen. He looked at Wendy, who stared back with curiosity. Merlin slipped out of the pen, leaving Wendy waiting at the gate. She scraped her hoof impatiently in the sand as Merlin let his hand slide down the smooth leather. He made a decision and carried the saddle to the fence. He lowered it on the fence as slowly and gently as he could, avoiding the loud thump it would've made otherwise. He looked at her and saw multiple emotions. Now he saw what Elyan had meant. Horses speak, not words, but they let you know what they think, what they want, if you take the time to understand it. _

_"Alright Wendy, here we go." Merlin whispered. He slipped back into the pen en patted her neck. He led her without touching to the saddle. He stroked the soft leather and encouraged her to do the same. She put her nose to the saddle and inhaled the smell. After a few moments, she turned back to him, nudging him to proceed. Merlin took the saddle and placed it gently on her back, looking at her head, seeing the reactions clear as day. Wendy stiffened at first but when Merlin made no move to either push her further than she wanted or take the pressure of the saddle away, she relaxed and Merlin let go of the saddle. He walked around her rear and reached under her belly for the strap. He pulled it up, fastened it and checked if it wasn't too tight or too loose. To his satisfaction, it was fine. He stepped away and let her investigate. _

_It went alright and he figured that it had been a long day for both of them, and horses needed to be handled with care and thus mentally shouldn't be pushed too far. He took off the saddle and put her halter back on. He led her out of the pen and patted her neck, when he heard someone clapping behind him. He turned around to see a beaming Arthur._

_"I knew you could do it. I mean, you're useless at absolutely everything, but this wasn't… bad." Arthur said. Merlin beamed back at him. This was as far as Arthur could go giving Merlin a compliment. _

_"Thanks. I'll just… take her to the meadow."_

_"She would've let you ride her. You could've ridden her. You've been trying for weeks. Why did you stop?"_

_"I.. uh… I don't know, I just felt…" Merlin stuttered clumsily._

_"It was enough and that was what you felt. Well, well, well, maybe horses are something you're good at. Nothing like me, of course. I taught you well, with patience and stuff."_

_"Exactly how long have you been watching?" Merlin quirked his eyebrows. The corner of Arthur's mouth tugged up and an evil glint in his eyes became apparent._

_"From the very beginning, of course. When you've taken proper care of Wendy, you can muck out my stables, and I'll expect you at dinner at seven thirty. That makes… half an hour. You better hurry up." Arthur turned around and sashayed away. Merlin groaned loudly, so that Arthur could hear him, but that was probably the proudest he had ever been of himself._

Merlin smiled fondly at the memory. Then he felt the familiar pang of guilt in his chest. Arthur was gone. He looked down on Wendy and threaded his fingers through her mane. Gwaine finally came around the corner and Merlin beamed up at him. Gwaine grumbled something under his breath, defeated. Leon followed closely after and looked as calm and composed as ever. He didn't care much for races, unlike the other knights who were very competitive. Gwaine frowned when Merlin dismounted.

"Wendy is exhausted and that is entirely my fault, so I think we should walk further. Your horse doesn't look that great either, and it's only ten minutes from here." He explained. Gwaine opened his mouth to protest, but Leon was first.

"Yeah, that's fine." And dismounted quickly. Gwaine groaned and dismounted as well. The rest of the way was spent with Gwaine complaining about how it was unfair that Merlin had won, because Merlin had magic. That had absolutely nothing to do with it, and Merlin didn't say anything about the tree log on their path which he had cleared out for them. Instead, he just laughed.

"I beat your arse there Gwaine, admit it!"

The trees grew sparser and the lake came into view. Merlin had to grip Wendy's saddle to avoid keeling over from the flood of memories. He could pinpoint precisely where Arthur had…

"So… You tell me. Where's our ideal campsite?" Leon interrupted.

"I, uh, about twenty metres that way?" Merlin pointed in the direction opposite of Arthur's… place.

"Okay boss. How about you, Gwaine, help me with the tent and you, Merlin, go get some firewood?" Leon proposed. Leon had always been very considerate and this just proved it time and again. Of course, Leon had sensed Merlin wasn't okay, and gave him some time for himself without saying it out loud and forcing Merlin to shame himself. Merlin nodded and left.

When he returned after.. well, he didn't know how long he had been gone. He did know he had spent quite some time looking out over the lake, sitting where he and Arthur had last sat together…

"I have never seen such slackery, Merlin. How slow could you be? Did you do that on purpose, so that Leon and I had to set up the tent by ourselves?" Gwaine mocked him. Merlin knew it was sarcastic, and Leon shot him an apologetic look.

"That's what you're here for, right? To do all the hard, hard work for me? Personal servants, Gwen had called you." The look on Gwaine's face was priceless.

"No, she didn't… The queen? Really? Leon?" Gwaine sought help, but his companion merely shrugged. Merlin burst out in laughter and broke the tension easily. Gwaine threw a branch at him, which he dodged brilliantly. He unsaddled Wendy and took his bag inside the tent. It wasn't as large as he had hoped, and of course, Gwaine had taken the best spot, the spot at the far end of the tent, so Merlin had to sleep next to Leon. Merlin rolled his eyes, as he knew Leon was rather.. active, in his sleep. So that night he probably had Leon draped all over him.

The rest of the day, they had spent talking about trivial things, avoiding anything to do with Arthur or how Merlin would spend the rest of his life.

ooOOoo

They spent the next few days at the lake, swimming, playing, and teasing Merlin mercilessly of course, and just enjoying each other's company. They kept a fire burning through the night. Gwaine thought it was brilliant, as they didn't have to worry about thugs finding them because they would fight them off. And it would keep wolves and other animal away. They didn't know Merlin had enchanted the place and there was no way animals could harm them or the horses, but there was no need for them to know that.

The nights by the lake were, surprisingly, better than the nights he had spent in Camelot. They were a lot colder, yes, but the nightmares hardly bothered him anymore. They were just, depressing dreams now. He did wake up, but not screaming or crying. He dreamt of Arthur, asking him to hold him, and he dreamt of Gaius, telling him how much he loved him. When he woke in the middle of the night, he stared at the letter Gaius gave him. Just the ink on the paper was enough to make him hold on to his life.

On the fourth day, around noon, after they had gone for a swim, a carriage arrived. Three Camelot servants accompanied it. For a moment, Merlin thought that maybe Gwen had come to see how he was, or to see the place where her husband had uttered his last words, but instead, the servants brought them bricks and wood. When Merlin eyed Gwaine questioningly, he shrugged.

"You wouldn't want to live in the tent for the rest of your life, so we thought a small cottage right here would be nice. You don't have to… of course, but we just figured…" Gwaine explained. Merlin smiled. That would be nice, indeed.

When everything had been unloaded from the carriage, one of the servants fished a letter from his pocket and handed it to Leon. Leon thanked the servants and they went away. He quickly read the letter and Merlin saw his force go from smiling to frowning. He looked up at them apologetically.

"I'm sorry, the queen has asked our presence in three days time. There has been a threat against her and we ride out to meet the culprits. Apparently it's some sworn enemy from Uther's time. We can always refuse…" Leon started reluctantly. He was conflicted. He had sworn an oath to protect and serve the queen but he had also promised Merlin he'd help in any way he could.

"Of course, the queen will understand we can't leave Merlin out here, on his own." Gwaine defended Merlin.

"Whoa, no, I knew you wouldn't stay forever, but I can manage on my own here, and you are required in Camelot. You are, after all, the knights of Camelot, not everyone is up to that task. I can manage, guys, really. Plus, we have three days, right? You are strong, I have magic, how hard can it be to build one small cottage?" Merlin tried his best to smile. The knights didn't buy it, but didn't protest.

"Okay, fine. Let's get started then, huh?" Gwaine said after a few moments. They spent the next days on the cottage, and to their disappointment, it did take quite a lot of time. After three days of hard labour, they weren't even half finished. The knights had been reluctant about the use of magic so Merlin didn't force himself on them. Gwaine and Leon stared at each other, silently communicating.

"Time to go?" Merlin asked. The knights nodded quietly. Gwaine raised his head to Merlin.

"We'll see how it goes and if we do this right, we should be able to finish this off in two days. We'll be back on the third day from now, is that alright?"

Merlin accepted and helped them pack. After he sent them on their way, he turned back to the pile of wood and bricks. Firstly, he got working on turning the pieces of wood into a fence, and it only took him half a day to make a large pen for Wendy. Wendy had been tied to a tree for the last few days so he felt he had to make it up to her. After she had stretched her legs, he put on her bridle, not bothering with a saddle and climbed unto her back. He rode around the lake with her, taking it slowly, and it seemed to take them an eternity around the big lake. It felt amazing, to feel the power of a horse moving under him, those strong muscles carrying them both. That's why he liked riding without a saddle. Unfortunately, he hadn't been on a lot of leisure rides in his life, only on a lot of missions or riding lessons, provided by Arthur who thought he had to learn to ride better. And that was always with a saddle. Arthur had been amazing, Merlin thought to himself. He felt his heart melt a little when he thought of him.

When they finally returned to their campsite, it was nearly dusk and Merlin was too exhausted to be productive. Instead, he turned in and wrapped the blanket Leon and Gwaine had left tightly around himself, bracing himself against the cold night.

Merlin woke after a few hours, all alone, cold, and drenched in sweat. He looked around, confirming that he was indeed, all alone. He needed someone, something breathing so badly, he crawled out of the tent to the pen where Wendy stood, grazing quietly. Merlin sat against the wooden fence, looking out on Wendy and the lake. He allowed himself to drift off again and dreamt of Arthur, teaching him how to ride properly.

ooOOoo

After three long days, he heard distant hooves and chatter. He had nearly finished his cottage, it only needed a roof and a proper floor now. And furniture. But that seemed like something he couldn't do without magic so he thought he might ask the knights to assist him. Wendy confirmed that he indeed heard hooves, with her heart-breaking whinnying. She was answered by another horse's whinny, and a male voice calming his horse.

They rode into view, Leon and Gwaine had apparently taken Percival with them, each on a horse of their own, packed with their bags, and Percival led another horse as well. O'malley, Arthur's prized stallion. Same breed as Wendy. Arthur always had dreams of breeding with the two of them, but never got around to do it.

"Oi! Merlin!" Percival called out. "We brought food!" Which elicited enthusiastic sounds from the other men. Merlin smiled and ran towards them.

They decided it was a great idea of Percival to breed the two horses, so Merlin placed O'malley with Wendy in the pen, while the other horses were tied to a fallen tree.

"You should make a post, Merlin."

"Or another pen."

"Stables."

"A castle."

The suggestions kept getting better and better until they decided Merlin should build an entire citadel, which Merlin politely declined. The cottage had been enough hard work. A stable for Wendy was a great idea, though. They retired in the tent and Merlin was reminded of old times. They farted, blamed each other, laughed throatily, ate a lot, drank a lot, laughed a lot, and made a lot of masculine jokes which Merlin never quite understood, but enjoyed nonetheless.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, the knights were rudely awoken by Merlin, calling them for breakfast. He had fired up the smoldering fire pit and had made them breakfast. After they had groaned dramatically and threw things at his head. What was that with bigshots throwing things at his head? Was that something knights did? He was instantly reminded of Arthur, throwing objects at his head every morning. Of course, he was trained to be an excellent dodger of various objects, even in the early morning, so he dodged them perfectly and stumbled back into the tent with the drowsy men. He kicked some legs here and there, and shouted morning greetings at them. After about five minutes, after Merlin had pushed and pulled, they were up and gratefully munching their breakfasts. They told Merlin about the events of Camelot, there was a new physician appointed, whom Merlin would've loved to meet, but couldn't. Gwen was doing great, although the responsibility of ruling an entire kingdom all alone weighed down heavily on her.

After breakfast, they started working on the cottage again. After Merlin had briefed them on what needed to happen, they worked hard. There was no hurry so they didn't move quite as fast as you would expect. They took an awful lot of breaks, and threw bricks at each other, pushed each other in the water, planned an entire surprise attack against Merlin, which resulted in Merlin nearly drowning, and made countless 'man'-jokes. Merlin often didn't get it, but didn't say anything.

They agreed on letting Percival carry all the heavy stuff, like pieces of the roof which Leon expertly created on the ground, Gwaine worked on the floor with Merlin, although Merlin's prime task was taking care of the knights when they were hungry, every five minutes. Merlin guessed that they appointed Gwaine to take care of Merlin. To make sure Merlin didn't have a mental breakdown. Gwaine talked light-heartedly and avoided all the painful subjects. Gwaine always had a way of dodging the serious topics. Merlin was quite grateful for that.

"You know, I met a girl." Gwaine let his eyebrows dance suggestively. Merlin rolled his eyes.

"Do tell."

"She's very pretty. I met her in the market and she just caught my eye. She's new to Camelot. Fine quality, you wouldn't believe it. Prettier than anything I've ever seen in my life, big breasts, and her arse wasn't bad either. I have high hopes for her, you know. I offered her a drink, but she declined. I think she's playing hard-to-get, you know? I mean, who could resist a knight, especially one like me." Gwaine leaned closer to Merlin with every word he said, until he was an unnatural distance away from Merlin's face and Merlin, who was keen on being polite, didn't pull away. Gwaine stared into his eyes, and something softened in his eyes. Merlin wanted to ask what it was, but he couldn't find the words to describe what he saw.

"I, uh, that's lovely, Gwaine. So, now I know everything about her, what's her name? You talk about her like she's cattle."

"Oh, uh, right. She's… uh…" Gwaine frowned and stared at a point in the distance. Suddenly he snapped back to reality. "Elena, that's it!"

Merlin smiled, and nodded.

"So you'll think you'll win her heart?" Merlin asked him, avoiding awkward silence. "Get married, have lots of babies, a nice house, the lot?"

"Nah, that's not for me. You know me, every night a different bed." Gwaine smiled. His eyes dropped from Merlin's eyes to his mouth, although Merlin didn't talk. Merlin coughed and suggested they work on another part of the floor.

ooOOoo

At the end of the day, they were finally finished. They moved their stuff from the tent, which got really, very cold at night, to the house and lay down their mattresses. Gwaine seemed in some kind of hurry to get a good spot and patted next to him on the floor for Merlin. Merlin obeyed and lay down his mattress next to Gwaine's. The other knights shared a secretive look Merlin didn't know how to decipher. He shrugged it off and excused himself. He took Wendy out of her pen and put her bridle in. He just needed a moment, a moment of feeling the wind in his hair, that rush of excitement. Wendy looked like she needed quite the same and knew where to go without Merlin guiding her. They went around the lake in record time, mostly galloping until they both were out of breath.

When they returned, it was dark already and Merlin let Wendy find her own way, stepping carefully around branches, cautious not to trip over something. She walked to her pen, where O'malley called out for her as soon as she came into his sight. Merlin led her in the paddock, made sure there was enough for them to eat and went inside the house. When he stepped inside, the room was lit by candles. The knights beamed at him, apparently proud of themselves. There were candles in every corner, casting a warm, bright light through the room. Merlin smiled and thanked them. The knights shrugged it off, but kept smiling nonetheless.

"So, Merlin… I'm afraid that we can't stay for much longer…" Leon started carefully. Merlin looked at him, urging him to continue. Leon sighed. "We promised queen Guinevere that we wouldn't stay for too long. I'm sorry, she needs us at the palace. She's cut us quite a bit of slack, but enough is enough. We will keep visiting though. Is there anything you want us to bring back when we come the next time?"

"Ah, I don't think so, no… I'm fine. I think. Some furniture would be nice, but I could make that myself." He plastered a sheepish grin across his face. Leon shifted uncomfortably. The other knights nodded, agreeing to the furniture. Leon raised his head.

"Merlin, care to help me collect some more food for the fire?" Leon asked. Merlin eyed the pile of firewood next to the comfortably burning hearth.

"But there's enou-"

"Better safe than sorry." Leon interrupted. Gwaine stepped forward.

"Don't worry, I'll help Merlin. You've done such hard work today, it's unnecessary. Come on, Merlin." Gwaine signed with his hand for Merlin to come along. Leon put a hand on his shoulder and stopped Gwaine.

"Gwaine, you've been with Merlin all day, you don't want him to get sick of you, do you? Precisely. Let's go, Merlin." Leon walked out quickly. Merlin looked at Gwaine, puzzled, but Gwaine shrugged and sat back down in front of the hearth and stared into the flames. Merlin skipped out of the door after Leon. Leon stood about two metres away from the door, waiting.

"Sorry you had to see that Merlin. Surely you've noticed that we don't actually need more firewood, you're a smart one. I've been wanting to talk to you for a while." Leon looked at Merlin. Merlin stared back. Leon sighed.

"See, I'm sure you've noticed that… we're fond… of you. Especially Gwaine. And that is wanted to talk to you about." Leon explained uncomfortably. Merlin shook his head, he didn't understand. Leon barked out a nervous laugh.

"I do admire your innocence, Merlin. Fine, I'll not be delicate then. You know how sometimes men, royals, farm boys, practically everyone, sometimes is looking for a bit of fun. And if two boys find each other, and both are looking for a bit of fun, they seek for it together. So they play… with each other. Just a casual fling, nothing lasting. You know how some people find it important to have heirs, and namesakes, and the like? Carrying on the family name? That's impossible with two men, a woman has to be involved. You know how babies are made."

"Leon, I'm not a complete idiot. I know what sex is."

"Right, sorry. Well, to cut right to the chase, Gwaine has had quite a colourful past when it comes to… sex… with other men. He talks about women all the time, but we believe that that is to compensate. And, we do have some reasons to believe, that he likes you so much… You know. So, he's probably going to invite himself over one day and he might just… snog you, or something, I don't know."

That had to have been one of the most uncomfortable talks in Merlin's life. Merlin nodded, hoping Leon would shut up about it.

"Sorry, Merlin. I just thought.. I wasn't sure. I mean, I always assumed to you and Arthur… I just wanted to warn you. Sorry. It was none of my business but I didn't know what to do and you're just so… innocent. Oblivious. Ignorant. God, I wish I had that…" Leon sounded like he was thinking out loud. Merlin knew what he was talking about, sort of..

"That's okay, just what do you mean… Arthur? What's with Arthur?"

"Oh, god, no, nothing. Really. It's just that it has happened before… A lot, with servants, and masters, and especially royalty." Leon blabbered on.

"No, no, Leon. Form a concrete sentence. Me and Arthur… what?" Leon sighed. He thought a while but then he knew.

"Have you and Arthur ever been sexually involved with each other?"

"What? No!" Merlin practically screamed. Leon held his hands up defensively.

"Sorry, didn't mean to intrude. It's just… Poetry? You said poetry. Honestly, Merlin." Leon cocked his head. Merlin mentally slapped himself.

"Yeah, but that wasn't… Oh, never mind. It's not important anyway. Let's just.. Get some firewood, okay? It only seems odd if we come back empty handed."

ooOOoo

Since Leon had mentioned it, Merlin couldn't stop thinking about it. Gwaine, Arthur, other activities Merlin hadn't even considered doing with other men. He knew, of course, but that wasn't the same as actually imagining it. He slept awful at night. The nights were always awful, but this one was particularly awful. These involved Uther raping innocent servants, of which he had heard stories, then Arthur accusing him of something he couldn't recall, then Arthur died because he was disappointed in Merlin. It kept repeating itself in some ways. Never quite the same, but it always came down to Arthur dying in Merlin's hands and Merlin's inability to do anything to stop it. He kept tossing and turning in his bed, until he gave up and went outside. He stroked Wendy for a bit, while he felt himself drawn to the lake every two seconds. There was something about the lake at night, it seemed particularly mystic and misty and mysterious when the moon casted a sober greyish colour over it.

A branch cracked behind him and he turned around in a whirl, holding his hand up ready to cast some mortal spell. He saw a dark shadow holding its hands up defensively, then when it spoke, it spoke with Percival's deep voice.

"Whoa there, loverboy. Trouble sleeping?"

Merlin sighed, relieved, and put his hand down. He leant against the fence, casually. Percival mirrored him and crossed his arms over his chest, as if to defend himself from the cold night.

"Yeah, it's these damned nightmares. It doesn't matter what I do, they keep coming and I'm helpless against them."

"I can imagine. If I'd gone through what you've been through, and the current trouble, and the future trouble, I'd have a hard time sleeping too." Percival said softly. Merlin felt the always remaining ache in his chest sting a little harder when he thought back. Camlann, Arthur, Mordred, Morgana, the dragon, Aithusa, the knights, the blood… So he didn't say anything, afraid that his voice would break.

"That's okay, buddy. We always knew you had a soft hard, not a tough one. You've just had too much on your plate. I mean, we all know of your magic, but to keep it a secret, right under the noses of the ones that hate it the most… God, I can only imagine. And Arthur, of course. We know he was more to you than to us, and we are in no position to judge you, but it was hard for us, too, you know? And the queen. Poor gal." They stood in silence for a few moments, thinking back. The endless executions, the horrified screams of bystanders, the burning hatred against each other, the helplessness amongst everyone.

"Well, I'm heading back to bed. Long ride tomorrow. I suggest you do the same, Merlin. Such little sleep can't be good for your health."

Merlin nodded, and Percival patted his shoulder before he headed back to the cottage. Merlin frowned in the darkness. Percival had never been one for words, but now… Was it really that bad? He didn't even know half of the trouble Merlin had. There's a small detail Merlin left out. The prophecies had said that until the great Once and Future King would unite the land, with help from Merlin, or Emrys, if you will, the sorcerer would not rest. So until Arthur had risen again and fulfilled his destiny, Merlin would live. That could be forever. He was facing some lonely years.

ooOOoo

The next morning, the knights left early. Gwaine had tried to stall, but the knights didn't buy it. They saddled their horses, and left half of their belongings behind. They promised they'd visit again, soon. Gwaine squeezed his shoulder one last time and kicked his horse in the flanks. The rode off, waving before the trees swallowed them.

Merlin sighed. It wasn't that he didn't appreciated the knights, in fact, he loved it that they spent time with him and hadn't forgotten him. After all, he was a servant. But they were quite a bit overwhelming, and Merlin hadn't gotten much rest. That basically meant that he was exhausted nearly all the time.

He took Wendy out of her pen and patted her belly for a moment, thinking of the colt that might be inside her. Well, the beginnings of one, that is. He tied her halter around her head and swept a brush over her quickly. He wanted to ride her, but he was exhausted, really. He thought on it for a moment, then mounted her. No saddle and when they took off, he noticed he had forgotten to put her bridle in. Well, if he hadn't noticed before, that meant he could do without it. He hadn't before, but he trusted Wendy. They elicited in a trot and Merlin relaxed completely.

When they finally returned, it was nearly dark and Merlin felt like he was going to pass out if he didn't find some sleep soon. He put Wendy in her pen and took off her halter. He made sure she had enough to eat and walked to his house.

_"No, Arthur, please. Don't leave me. Come on, stay with me! Arthur!" Merlin cried desperately. Arthur's face was determined and he took another step away from Merlin. He moved towards the light while Merlin broke down sobbing. He lifted his feet to take the last step, but he changed his mind. He turned around at the rim of the light and looked down on Merlin. _

_"I have to. It is my destiny." He said softly. His demeanour softened entirely at the sight of Merlin. He held out his hand. Merlin shook his head and wiped his eyes. _

_"What?" He stammered. Arthur nodded, and the corner of his mouth turned up in a half-smile._

_"Come with me." He asked. Merlin lifted his hand to take Arthur and breathed 'yes'. But when his fingers only brushed Arthur's, Arthur was swallowed by the light and Merlin stayed behind in the cold darkness. He heard Arthur cry out from far away. He heard Arthur cry his name. He screamed back, but he heard nothing more._

_**"Arthur is not just a king. He is the Once and Future King. Take heart, for when Albion's need is greatest: Arthur will rise again."**__ The voice of the Great Dragon resonated through the darkness. _

_"No!" Merlin screamed. "He can't leave me! Bring him back! Arthur!" _

_Merlin swung his legs over the edge of his bed and ran. He pushed through the door and ran to the lake. His feet hit the water and until it had reached his knees, he stopped. He stood there, looking out on the lake, defeated. His shoulder slumped and he felt tears trickling down his cheeks. No Arthur. How long was this going to take?_


	5. Chapter 5

_Years passed with no sign of Arthur. The knights had gradually stopped coming by, all apart from Gwaine. Gwaine had always made an effort of coming. He had, as Leon had said, offered himself and Merlin, polite as he was, hadn't said no. They had lived together for a week before Merlin stormed out in the middle of the night after another nightmare about Arthur. Gwaine had found him sobbing by the lake, crying Arthur's name. Gwaine had, apparently, been under the illusion that Merlin felt the same as him, but Arthur would always surpass Gwaine and Gwaine left heart-broken. After the debacle with Gwaine, the knights didn't show their faces anymore. _

_Once, he had returned to Camelot, to find that they were preparing for a celebration. He didn't speak to anyone, although most of the people recognised him. _

_Apparently, they had all decided to leave him alone, for which he was grateful. He also didn't know how he looked, which might be an important factor as well. For a moment, he felt resentment against the entire of Camelot, everyone partying while they should be mourning for Arthur. But he quickly shoved the thought away, knowing that they had had to move on. He was granted permission to see the queen and made his way to her chambers. He kept his head down, as to avoid eye contact with many of the servants with whom he had once served._

_He gingerly knocked on the door and Gwen had given permission to enter. He took a deep breath and opened the door slowly. Gwen stood beside the table, apparently she had been writing something moments ago. He took a moment to take her in. Regal as she always had been, like a proper queen. But the responsibility of taking care of the entire kingdom and her tendency to take everything personally had weighed down heavily on her, creating wrinkles and strands of grey through her otherwise black, long hair. _

_"Merlin." She breathed. She dropped her hands which had been folded in front of her and rushed to him. She threw her arms around his lanky frame and Merlin gave into her embrace and breathed in the sweet, familiar scent. _

_"Oh, I've missed you so much." Gwen whispered in his neck. _

_"I missed you, too." Merlin's voice was raw from not speaking for a long time. Gwen pulled away to take a good look at him. Her eyes moved from his head to his toes, and back up again. She smiled and he noticed tears forming in her eyes._

_"You haven't changed a bit." Her voice broke a little on the last word. "Except for this then, but I wouldn't expect any less of you." She took a strand of hair in her hands. It had grown quite a bit since she had last seen him._

_"Yeah, they don't really have hairdressers or servants in the woods, apparently. Their service is quite disappointing." Merlin joked. Gwen laughed._

_"My, it has been a long time since someone properly made me laugh. They all treat my like a queen." She said. Merlin laughed and in no time, after a series of bad jokes, they were practically rolling on the floor, like old times. _

_"So… What's this party coming up then? I wasn't invited." Merlin pouted. Gwen's face fell and her eyes drifted to the floor._

_"Oh.. I… er… I don't really… My wedding." She stammered. _

_Merlin's mind went black. Then white. Then red._

_"How… What… Why would you… What…. What! How could you! Have you forgotten Arthur?! Like you've forgotten me?!" He roared. _

_Gwen's defences fell apart. She stepped back and bowed her head, as if to block him out. He saw Arthur standing beside her, shooting him a look of absolute disgust. He forgot his rant immediately. He lowered his hands and the tone of his voice._

_"Why?" He finally managed to choke out. He looked over her shoulder, but Arthur was gone now. He felt ashamed of himself._

_"Oh, Merlin, you don't understand. My mother, my father, my brother, my husband, Gaius, and you, you all left me. All alone, on my own. Do you understand how lonely it gets? Sometimes, I want the easy way out, too. I want to be at the lake, just like you. If, indeed, the legend is true, Arthur will return and I want him to more than anything in the world. But we both know how unlikely that is and that just leaves me here all alone. I am so… lonely." Tears welled up and slowly trickled down her face. "I don't expect you to understand, either. I know it was really hard on you, and I know you were more than a servant to him and he was more than your boss to you. I even know that you were more than friends, more than brothers, you were… you and Arthur. Just that. But here I am, in charge of an entire kingdom, trying to hold everything together and all the while, I am surrounded by people I don't know and who don't know me, just my name, and it is so very, very lonely, Merlin." She broke down slowly, letting her knees fall to the ground and burying her face in her hands. Merlin quickly sat down beside her and took her hands away from her face. He pulled her in and let her cry in her shoulder. _

_"Oh Gwen, I'm so, so sorry. I am…" He stroked her hair tenderly. _

_"Me too." She said in between her sobs. They sat like that for a while. Gwen finally pulled away and sat across from him. Merlin didn't let go of her hands._

_"So, who's this guy anyway?" Merlin tried. Gwen gave him a weak smile._

_"He is the prince of Magonsæte, actually. We've never really been on good terms with Magonsæte, so I supposed since I was going to have a partner with me, I might as well use it for some good relations. So I met with him and, we just… I don't know, but I like him. Not like Arthur, there will never be anyone like Arthur, but he was nice. Friendly. Kind-hearted. His name is Merewalh, by the way, and he is second in line to the throne. So our families will be combined and war will be less likely." Gwen explained. Of course, Merlin thought to himself, Gwen would put Camelot above herself. _

_"That's good. That's really, really good." Merlin told her. "I'm sorry for ranting, just now. I really didn't mean to, but it just… I know you haven't forgotten about me."_

_"Oh Merlin, of course I'd never forget you. How could I ever forget my best friend?" Gwen smiled. Then she softened._

_"I know it's a stupid question, but would you like to come? I completely understand if you don't, but don't think you are not invited. I'd really like for you to come, but you don't have to. No pressure." _

_Merlin declined politely, and Gwen understood like she always did. They spent the evening together, causing Gwen to miss all kinds of important 'Queen-stuff' as she eloquently described it. That night, Merlin slept in the royal guest rooms, once again reminded of what a proper bed felt like. But the dreams haunted him anyway and this time, they were even more vicious than when he slept by the lake. As if the lake somehow protected him, a bit, from the dreams. He had woken up seven times in eight hours._

_When he had finally found sleep, a servant disturbed him softly and he instantly felt the urge to throw something at him. Oh, that's where it came from…_

_He rose and had breakfast with Gwen. They were completely comfortable with each other again, everything that had happened completely forgiven and forgotten. She had gotten a servant to cut his hair to a reasonable length and he had in turn braided hers, like they'd done countless times before Gwen had become queen. He left at noon, smiling. Gwen had given him a cart to tie behind Wendy, and he had taken all of the books on magic which Gwen had safely stored away for years. _

_It was a good memory, which he always remembered when he looked at the books he had neatly organised on a lot of shelves. His cottage was starting to take on the looks of Gaius's chambers, with books and other stuff cluttering all over the place. He had to step over various piles of… well, stuff, just to get to his bed. He looked at it fondly, and saw why Gaius had always liked it so much. The dull ache in his heart was still there, but Merlin had given up fighting it. Instead, he greeted it as a friend. A good sign, that he would never, ever forget the most extraordinary people. The great king Arthur, the greatest physician Gaius, the great queen Guinevere and the greatest knight a kingdom could wish for._

_ooOOoo_

_Occasionally, there would be a traveller asking for shelter and Merlin gladly provided it. But they left at the crack at dawn and Merlin would be alone once again._

_Slowly but surely, a village formed near the lake. Houses, shops, roads, slowly began to form. And, of course, the inhabitants began to breed and soon after, kids would be roaming the forest. Merlin hardly ever wanted human contact, he had enough contact just with his horse. Wendy had long since passed on, but he had kept the line of Wendy and O'mally intact. _

_The time of the crusades came and they had passed through their tiny village on lake Avalon as well. Merlin felt a spark of magic among them, but it was young and undeveloped. The sorcerer probably had no notion of his magic yet. A child, most likely. _

_He quickly saddled and bridled his horse, Bedevere, named after the famous knight, of course. The father of Bedevere had been Caradoc, and the one before that had been Pellinore. It was a little reminder for him not to ever forget what and who he was, and what and who the knights were. Not that he ever could, of course. _

_He kicked Bedevere in the flanks and rode straight to where the sounds came from. He kept his distance and made sure that didn't notice him. He sat back in the saddle and relaxed. He breathed out a huff of magic and opened his eyes, seeing everything in black and white apart from the things that contained magic. He saw different orange veins crawling through the oldest trees, there were faint traces in a horse that was moving past him, but there was an oddly strong pulse of magic in a boy, who sat on a horse, which was far too large for him to ride. He must've been about twelve. The magic pulsed violently through his veins, while he shouted and pulled on the reins. He seemed to command the people following him with his strong voice. Merlin also spotted a strong heart. He took a moment to take in his appearance._

_His brown curls circled his face, his brows were furrowed and deep lines were engraved in his forehead. Blue, piercing eyes, full lips, seemingly perfect teeth, tanned by the sun._

_Merlin followed them and apparently, they set up camp about ten minutes riding from his cottage. He also followed the boy quietly and inconspicuously, and found that he shared his tent with two women. Not the mother, but obviously the women that took care of him. Merlin rode back home and sat down. What was he going to do? He could hardly take the boy away from his family, but then, he didn't seem to have any apart from the women. But if the boy stayed with the crusaders, and they found out about his magic, he would most certainly be accused of satanic activities and without a second thought be killed._

_He thought on this for a long time, until night fell. Then he made a decision. _

_Merlin saddled his horse and rode out. He slowed his horse from a trot to a walk, grateful for the gracefulness his horse had inherited from his great-great-great-grandmother, Wendy. He barely heard the branches until the hooves. _

_The quiet night was interrupted by a series of shouts, coming from the only tent which still had a light on. He heard the flapping of the canvas of the tent, meaning someone stormed out. Heading his way. Bugger._

_He turned his horse and tried to sneak away as fast as he possibly could, but he failed. He heard a voice challenge him from behind._

_"Stop! Identify yourself!" A voice shouted. Merlin instantly recognised the fierce voice of the twelve-year-old. He straightened his back, moved awkwardly on the saddle, swinging his legs over the horse's back, until he sat backwards. The boy had his eyebrows raised and his mouth hung a little further open than strictly necessary. The boy shook his head and raised his chin._

_"Er, hi, my name is… Emrys." Merlin said. He leaned forward over the horses rear and held out his hand. The boy hesitated. His defiant nature got the better of him and he stepped forward, reaching for Merlin's hand. Now that the boy had come closer to Merlin, he saw that his dirty, sandy face had trails of glistening wet, meaning that he had been crying until a moment ago, but that was the only thing that gave him away. He had no intention of wiping his eyes and his eyes were set in a determination Merlin hadn't seen often. The boy shook his hand._

_"Mine's Charley. What is your business here? I'm sure I've seen you before." The boy asked. Merlin noted that the boy spoke like he was too old for his age._

_"How old are you?" Merlin asked. The boy shook his head. _

_"None of your business and irrelevant information. What is your business here?" The boy asked him, raising his voice. Merlin blew out a puff of air._

_"I don't think my business is your business, then." Merlin challenged. He allowed a smirk to creep over his face. The boy's jaw clenched._

_"Let's make a deal. You tell me a little bit about yourself and I'll show you something really, really, very amazing. Something you probably… no, definitely, have not seen before. Ever." Merlin smiled. The boy narrowed his eyes._

_"Fine. But you tell me about you, too. I am Charley, son of Tiberius the Great, and I am next in line of leading the crusade. My uncle is now in charge, since my father died two years ago. My mother died giving birth to me. My aunts are 'raising me', which I don't need and if I did, they'd do a really very bad job at it. We had another falling out, something about table manner or something, and that children should be seen and not heard, and I should never voice my opinions until I am of age. But they're all stupid and I know better. So there, this is me. Your turn." The whole thing didn't take more than a few seconds. Merlin blew out a puff of air._

_"Okay, I am Emrys, a nickname given to me by a boy that has rescued me a long time ago. It sticked. I lost my father, my mother, my best friend, my girlfriend… well, I've lost nearly… no, that's everyone I knew. I've lived alone for quite some time, not far from here. You really don't want to know my age, but that is besides the point. If you come with me, I'll show you the thing." Merlin turned back forwards in the saddle, somehow managing not to fall off. He held out his hand to Charley again, and Charley took it. Merlin swung Charley on the horses back, behind the saddle so he could hold on to that. The gently walked away from the camp._

_"Where are we going?" _

_"Don't know yet, but we have to be somewhere we'll never get caught. Ah, here." Merlin explained. He dismounted and held out his arms to Charley, but he swung one leg over the horses back and gracefully slid off. He landed on his feet with a light thump._

_"Come on, Emrys. I haven't got all night, you know." He tapped his feet. Merlin chuckled._

_"Yeah, you do. Patience is a virtue, you know." Merlin pointed out. Charley scoffed, but followed Merlin anyway. Merlin sat down on a fallen tree and Charley sat beside him. Merlin picked up a branch of the ground and handed it to Charley. Charley took it hesitantly, but took it anyway._

_"Watch this." Merlin whispered. "__**Bærne**__." His eyes shined a bright orange and the tip of the stick ignited. The boy's eyes grew wide and he jerked back, but he didn't let go of the stick. His eyes didn't leave the stick though, he just stared at it._

_"How did you-" He started, but the words caught in his throat. Merlin smiled._

_"__**Dracha**__" He whispered. A tiny dragon, made from the embers of the little fire flew up and circled for a few moments in the air, before it got away from the warmth of the fire and went cold, turning to ash. The boys jaw seemed like it was going to hit the ground. He tore his eyes away from the remains of the fire dragon, and stared at Merlin. Merlin waited for his reaction. The boy closed his mouth after a few moments of pure astonishment._

_"How?" He uttered. Merlin grinned._

_"I know it sounds crazy, and impossible, but it's magic. Real magic." Merlin said slowly. Charley opened his mouth, but didn't make a sound. Instead, he just closed it again and nodded slowly. He stared at Merlin. Merlin sighed._

_"Listen, it gets even worse. I didn't show you this because I'd like to share it. In fact, it is a great secret. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone knew about magic. We'd probably all be flying. See, I've sensed that you have it, too. I know you've never noticed, but if you were to try, you could do great things." Merlin carefully explained._

_And so it happened, Charley left his aunts, leaving a note with them and he took everything he owned with him. He also took his horse with him, which now stood with Bedevere in the pen. Charley lived with him. There had been no reluctance whatsoever, in fact, he was eager to leave. He had loved partly leading the crusade, or at least pretending, but he was even more eager to learn about magic. _

_Charley turned out to be a great listener. He always asked Merlin, or Emrys, as Charley called him, to tell him stories, particularly before bed. They weren't bedtime stories, he had insisted, because that was for babies, and he was obviously grown-up. Merlin didn't argue with that and told him about everything he knew, piece by piece. Together, they worked through the seemingly endless pile of books on magic and Charley got better and better. Charley thought that the horses needed a stable, and they built two stables next to the house. Also, Charley got his own room, which they built as an extent to the house. _

_Merlin often thought of Gaius, and tried to be as good as a mentor as he had been. Charley stayed for eight years, until he was old enough to go out there and change the world._

_"Why here?" Charley asked on day. They had been riding for half an hour in complete silence, just appreciating the nature around them. Little people knew that sorcerers were in contact with their environment, feeling the leaves bristle in the wind, trees breathing, small and big animals searching for food, leading quiet lives. They felt everything. As it turned out, Charley loved horses as much as Merlin. He spent hours just talking to his horse, telling it everything he had learned and done, mostly to do with magic. Merlin often reminded him that magic wasn't just a convenient gift, and that it carried a burden of responsibility as well. But Charley was good-hearted and Merlin had every faith in him._

_"I like it here." Merlin answered simply. He hadn't told Charley anything about the day Arthur died, or the events that accompanied it. _

_"That's not what I asked, and you know that. What are you hiding from me?" Charley asked. Merlin sighed, knowing that Charley was not going to give up. He had to give in or he'd never hear the end of it._

_"My best friend… died, here." Merlin swallowed hard. Still painful, even after all this time. "I was too late. I couldn't save him." _

_Merlin told him the story of the great Arthur Pendragon, once and future king of Camelot. He'd told him every last detail, from Morgana to Aithusa, from Mordred to Gwen, from his loss of magic to the help of the great dragon. It had taken him three hours and he still hadn't told Charley everything. When he was done, and they were nearing the cottage and Charley hadn't said a word. To his surprise, he felt that his cheeks were wet. He hadn't even noticed. _

_The nightmares had never stopped, and Charley had repeatedly asked him what they were about. Merlin had never answered him. They were horrific and he didn't want to burden the young boy with it. The story had been cooped up inside him. And now he had blurted it out._

_When he had stopped talking, Charley spoke._

_"Are those what the nightmares are about? I still hear you screaming in the night." He asked, tentatively._

_"Yes, sorry about that." Merlin said. Charley shook his head._

_"No, it's alright. Emrys, you've never told me how old you are. I've never seen you age. You always stay the same." He stated carefully._

_"I honestly don't remember. It gets lonely here, and the days sometimes seem like centuries, sometimes like seconds. There's no one to wish you happy birthday, or happy new year, merry Christmas, so the time just passes. But I cannot die until Arthur does, too. Arthur is not dead. He will return." Merlin said. _

_"The time of real castles and real knight is over, Emrys. It's been hundreds of years, at least." He said sympathetically. _

_"It's Merlin, actually." Merlin shot him a weak smile. He felt worse, and better, at the same time. It pained him every time when he talked about Arthur, but it felt better to not have to keep it a secret, especially from Charley. Charley looked up at him, puzzled._

_"The druids used to call me Emrys. Or still do. I don't know, I don't even know if they still exist. But everyone else used to call me Merlin. Both odd names, I know. But it's true. My name, is Merlin Ambrosius, from a small town called Ealdor. I came to Camelot to develop my magic, and became prince Arthur's manservant by accident, under the reign of Uther. That's me. That is my life. And now, I'm just waiting here, by the lake, where Arthur left me, for him to come back. So there. This is why I'm here."_

_Charley had stayed for another two years until he was twenty-one. He had left on his birthday, which they kept track of. They celebrated Merlin's, too. Just exchanging creative presents, which was a lot of fun. But Charley left, as Merlin had insisted. Bedevere wasn't alone, no, in fact, there were three of them now. Bedevere was a stallion and Charley had given him a yearling once, now five years old, which they had raised together. There also was an old mare, which they found wandering around the forest. She had been a great support for the yearling, which was a mare too. Now five years old, she was pregnant. _

_Charley had left with his own horse and Merlin was all alone again. Charley was going to change the world, he could feel it in his bones._

_ooOOoo_

_Merlin swung his hands back and forth. Now that he had been Charley's guardian for over eight years, he didn't quite know what to do now. No one to take care of, apart from the horses, but he'd done that already. _

_The village had developed further and several generations have passed. Merlin was never a big fan of it, especially other people, but he supposed he needed groceries. Charley used to do that, as a growing boy needs human contact as Merlin did. So they'd both been content with doing just that. It also gave them some time away from each other to keep the fighting to a bare minimum. _

_He saddled his stallion Bedevere and rode to the town. To his surprise, as he hadn't visited in years, it was buzzing with life. There was an enormous market with products of all sorts. Clothing, food, drinks, bars, pubs, everything was here. He tied his horse to a special post, made just for that, and Bedevere started drinking almost immediately. Merlin slowly made his way through the tight network of all kinds of tents and stands, almost immediately attacked by merchants, trying to sell their wares. He declined politely to everything and watched his eyeballs out. People were bargaining everywhere, and being the powerful sorcerer he was, he heard and saw practically everything. Mothers, trying to get the best deal for the goods they needed to sustain their families. Children, running across the market, occasionally stealing something like an apple, most likely because of poor parents. Fathers, merchants, mostly, that tried to get the best deal for their wares. _

_He strolled on, being stopped by several merchants, which he all politely declined. Then he saw an old looking store, behind the canvas of the colourful stands. He excused himself as he bumped into a grumpy looking merchant, but he swiftly worked his way around the wares until he reached the door. He pushed it open and inhaled the musky scent of books. He stepped inside and pulled the door shut behind him. He hadn't seen the exterior of the store, but now that he was on the inside, he saw that there was a large window on the side of the building, which didn't let in a lot of light because it was covered in dust. There were piles of books on the floor, in front of a big bookcase, as apparently, it didn't fit. When Merlin looked up, he found that it was a rather tall room. He saw that the top shelf was barely filled and the books on the floor easily fitted there. _

_Merlin looked around and saw no one. He grabbed a ladder he spotted in the back of the store and set it against the bookcase. He climbed it and didn't quite reach the top shelf. He focussed on the pile of books on the floor and whispered something under his breath. The books slowly floated into the air, alongside the ladder, and onto the shelf. Merlin stretched his hand and neatly stacked them on the shelf. He looked around the room and looked down on the various other piles. He repeated the process until there weren't any piles on the floor left. When he checked the store for one last time, to make sure he didn't miss a pile, he saw an old, little, bony man with grey hair in the counter behind what seemed like a counter. He clapped in his hands and his parted lips showed some yellow teeth. _

_"My, it has been such a long time since I have last seen magic! Thank you, my boy! My store has been a mess for almost a decade, but now you've cleared the lot out. I owe you one." _

_Merlin's face was he bright shade of red, he was sure of it. How could he have been so careless with his magic. But the old man seemed to enjoy it, so the guilt quickly subsided. _

_"That's alright, sir. No trouble at all." Merlin smiled. He descended the ladder again. _

_"Well, now you've helped me, how can I help you?" The man asked. Merlin thought for a moment._

_"Do you have any books on legends, history, that sort of stuff?" Merlin asked. The man smiled at him. _

_"Ah, and I also have an interesting collection on magic. Would you like to see it?" The man asked. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Merlin flushed again and followed the man to the other side of the store._

_The man squinted his eyes and blew the dust off some books, which caused him to erupt in a fit of coughs. Merlin patted the man's back quite helplessly. The man finally stood up again, and immediately resumed searching for the books. _

_"Ah!" He exclaimed. He pulled a book from the shelf and handed it to Merlin. Before Merlin had time to even look at the title, the man threw another one at him, which he had to balance on the other. And another was thrown at him._

_"Oh, and you'll like this one, too." The man muttered, more to himself than to Merlin. Soon, Merlin had a stack of books in his hands which he could barely hold._

_"Er, sir?" Merlin asked. When he felt another book added to the stack, he raised his voice a little bit. "Sir!" _

_The man turned back to him and chuckled when he only saw Merlin's legs under the big pile of books. _

_"Sorry, it's been a while since someone's shown genuine interest in books. How about you put it down there?" The man suggested. He pointed to a table in the corner. Merlin set it down gratefully and exhaled the breath he didn't realize he had been holding._

_"What's your name, boy?" _

_"Merlin, sir." He said politely._

_"Hello, Merlin, nice to meet you. I'm Meliodas, shortened Melio. Or old Melio, as the town folk call me. Behind my back, I assure you, but my hearing is not as bad as most think."_

_Merlin shook the hand Melio held out to him._

_"I can tell you have a genuine interest in books. Of course, a sorcerer like you doesn't have many other sources of information, but still. You can have those books, if you want. You helped me, I'll help you." Melio offered. _

_"There's no need for that sir." Merlin declined. He eyed the stack of books. Then an idea occurred to him. "Let's make a deal. What if I lend the books, as I have no need for them and you might help more people with them than me, and in exchange for the books, I'll help you out in the store. You see, I've had a… guardian, who taught me the real value of books, and so I've grown to love them. I live in a small cottage by the lake, and there isn't much for me to do there, so you'll be helping me, giving me a purpose, a sort of unpaid job."_

_"Nonsense, boy. I was actually looking for a hand in the shop, and of course you'll be paid. How will you eat? I could use some help around here, just look at this mess!" The man motioned to the shop. Merlin looked at the sad mess of loose paper and the dust on the floor. The dark patches on the floor were the ones where Merlin had just lifted the books from, but the rest of the store was practically covered in dust. Merlin nodded. The man beamed up at him._

_"Let's put that magic of yours to use!" _

_ooOOoo _

_A few days later, the store looked brilliant. Merlin had fixed the broken, lopsided shelves while Melio had sweep the floors and dusted the window. Merlin had repeated the process when Melio was in the storage room fetching something, because it was far from adequate. They worked about an hour a day, then they spent their time reading. Merlin would go home eventually with another book, exercise his horses and eat something, then read the book. He found that he was terrible all alone, but when he could escape with a book, it seemed so much more bearable. Of course, when night-time came, Merlin shot up in his bed about three times a night because of his nightmares._

_The nightmares had become bearable. They seemed like a normality, at night. They just, happened, like they had for years. They were still mind-blowingly terrifying, but they Merlin had accepted them._

_One day, when Merlin came into the shop, Melio sat on a chair by the table with a stack of paper, hands folded in his lap, waiting on Merlin._

_"I've been meaning to ask you, Merlin. I hope you don't mind, since it's a rather personal question, but it's quite unusual for a young boy like you to live by the lake, all on your own, with no one to look after you. But you look like you've done that for years and that it doesn't bother you at all. That combining with the fact that that little fella, what's his name… Oh, there was this one boy who walked down the street every day, shopping for groceries but nothing else, all alone, all the time. I spoke to him once and he told me he lived with a man by the lake. Now he's gone, and you've just appeared, but you didn't just move here, did you? You are the man. Combining that with magic, and you can easily apply an aging enchantment on yourself. Am I right?" The man panted when he was done talking. Merlin still stood in the doorway, quite astonished. He couldn't utter a word, he just stood there._

_"I am, aren't I?" The man smiled victoriously. "And, I'm guessing since I'm going so great now anyway, you're probably as old as I am. I've seen the boy age for eight years, and you'd only take on a boy if you were grown up yourself, so there. Aging enchantment. Am I right? About your age, I mean?" The man babbled. Merlin's mouth fell open. He'd never heard so much rambling, especially not directed at him, and all correct. Apart from one thing. Merlin pulled himself together._

_"Er, yes, sort of. I've seen a lot, and you're right about everything, apart from the age. And the enchantment." Merlin took a deep breath and stepped properly into the store. He sat down across from the man and told him about his curse. The man didn't seem astonished at all. He merely pushed the stack of paper to Merlin._

_"Here. I have been pondering on this for a while, and I know that you have quite a story of your own. I thought it might be nice for you to write it down. That way, you'll pass it on to future generations. That's good. You don't have to, of course. But you've nearly read every book I own now and you'll only get bored. I have a very old friend, well, at least I hope he's still alive, but he's in the printing business. I can arrange that your book will be kept safe, safe for future generations and your story will not be lost." _

_Merlin felt himself smile. He nodded. That was precisely what he was going to do._


End file.
